17th August 2018

Goodbye Heatwave: 6 Reasons We Just Can’t Take The Heat

Our Lady Chastity (our skeletal escape room resident to those not in the know) is hardly known as a summer Goddess. In fact, she’s more Dracula than beachside diva and was close to withering away to dust in the recent heatwave. Yes, we could write a positive blog about summer like everyone else but sometimes it’s good to just have a big ol’ moan. The truth is the hot weather gets on our tits. So, bring on the clouds and the rain, bringing back with it the desire to hide away in a dark pub clasping onto a cold one. Down with the fear of sunburn, dehydrating or having to attend a constant string of BBQs. Here’s 6 reasons we just can’t take the heat.

1. THERE’S JUST SO MUCH SWEAT… EVERYWHERE

Whether you’re a perspiring mess just walking down the road or dripping after a long workout, even out of the trepis of the heatwave, everyone still looks like they’ve sprung multiple leaks. We’re not just talking about the odd pit stain or sweaty palm either. We’re talking back sweat, foot sweat, lip sweat and sweat from places that definitely shouldn’t sweat, until you look like you’re melting into the floor T-1000 style (it’s from a film…shame on you if you don’t know it).

The only thing worse than being self conscious about your drenched transparent t-shirt and new aroma of eau de soggy bin liner is that you’re in close proximity of sweaty strangers in the exact same position – something Londoners and commuters will know all to well. Not only does it make public transportation feel so hot you could swear Hobbits are chucking a ring at you. You’re sliding and bouncing off people like you’re in some sort of hellish pinball machine. A pinball machine that tastes like the inside of someone’s shoe.

2. GRRR – EVERYONE’S GOT A SHORT TEMPER!

We’ve been crunching the numbers at HQ and after weeks of research – mainly using our eyes – we’ve finally come to a unanimous conclusion. Hot weather turns us into a complete cockwomble. Come on admit it – when you’re melting in the heat even Snow White will annoy you. Of course, we also tend to use the heat as an excuse to chug more bevys, so before you know it everyone’s acting like a wired peacock and every other word that comes out of our mouths is an insult. You mug.

It’s unsurprising that science or some sort of witchcraft has shown that a raised temperature increases your heart-rate. Making you more on edge, more reckless and more likely to trigger your fight-or-flight response. Saying that, the same research also shows it’s hard to escape the heat – give the person who worked that one out a medal for their outstanding contribution.

Seriously though, yes we like to moan but there’s actually a valid reason we struggle more with the heat in the UK. Mainly because we don’t get that nice mediterranean ‘sip cocktails and take in the scenery’ kinda heat. No! We get dumped with evil humid steam that seeps into our brains, transforming all thoughts into outward moans.

3. THERE’S NO COOL SIDE OF THE PILLOW

Still, it can’t all be that bad. At least once you’ve put up with the general public’s general twottery you can return home, freshen up and crash out. After all, tomorrow is a new and exciting day. Yesterday will just be your own personal history, eventually forgotten in the burning sands of time and your limited memory.

Except every time we think the heatwave is over and the blissful cold rain is here to stay, it’s hotter than a cheerleader in a cucumber patch and you can’t sleep. So, it’s not as if you get any respite from this heat. There’s no cool side of the pillow to snuggle into and, if you do fall asleep, you wake up so wet that… no that one’s too easy.

The point is that one bad 24-hour day starts to become a bad 48-hour day and spirals from there. Before you know it, you’re walking around like a sweaty zombie trying to function like you’re not one of your cremated brethren. Bringing us nicely onto our rapid accumulation of fans…

4. NO AMOUNT OF FANS ARE ENOUGH!

If you’ve purchased a fan over the last couple weeks then you’re probably one cool person. Ahem…

Terrible puns aside, most of us probably now own so many fans that we’ve probably got stock in the companies making them. You were probably surrounded by the hum of whirling blades blowing everything around and making you look like you’re in some sort of hair commercial. Have we used the word ‘probably’ too much? Probably. However you’re probably also reading this in like December or something when the heatwave is a distant memory. In which case Happy Xmas and stop wasting your time reading our drivel.

Companies know this all too well. Ever noticed how every fan is ten times the price it would be in the winter? Clever sales technique of supply and demand or Capitalist ball? Either way, how very dare people make additional money off of the general public. Now share this blog because this is monetised and I need to feed my four kids.

Hot tip for you though, summer is going to keep getting warmer in the UK so bag yourself a decent Air Con in the winter to save yourself some pennies and your sanity next year.

5. EVEN BBQ’S HAVE BECOME BORING

We love an excuse for a Barbie and are often straight in the garden at the first sign of sun. However, instead of the usual downpour halfway through getting the sausages on the grill, most of us have been BBQ’ing so much our teeth are beginning to discolour with char and the t-shirt tan-line struggle is very real.

As for our perfectly sculpted summer bodies we’ve meticulously crafted all year round? Well, let’s be honest – they didn’t exist to begin with. But having more than our fair share of sausages and beer this summer has got us all padded and in prime shape for winter.

While many of us are no longer on the BBQ bandwagon, for now many of us are craving a good ol’ roast that we can eat without sweating our balls off. A tasty Yorky pudding just doesn’t feel the same when you’re melting into your seat. Ironically we’re all feeling like pigs in blankets and its the one thing we don’t
This may seem random but while our illustrious game hosts do love getting into character -Gabriel in particular has been struggling in this heat. Clad from head to toe in Victorian attire, here’s what one of our hosts Jason Lotro (pictured above) had to say about his experience on the job in the heatwave:

“I have a constant serious case of disco fanny coupled with a wet wedgie and a salty patch on my back so large, I have to watch out for elephants following me to use my back as a salt lick.”

Wow – graphic. Thank you Jason. The good news is that our players by no means have to arrive in Victorian gear and our rooms are well equipped with a/c and fans – the electric and not the screaming kind (unless requested). So, you can go down the pub on an anti-summer rebellion and keep your cool while you solve the clues.

WANT TO COOL DOWN IN A DARKENED PUB?

If, like us, you would rather hide away than spend one more moment in the heat, then we’ve got you. Head on over to any of our escape room venuesand we’ll gladly welcome you into the cool hidden depths of the pub for some anti-summer debauchery.

Lady Chastity and Poppa Plock eagerly await your sweaty presence, which is why they also want to give you melty lot a little discount code to get you in the mood. Just book with the code ‘MELT’ to get 10% off.